Captain America: Civil War

More accurately described as 'The Avengers: Group Conflict', this film highlights the human side of being superhuman. Turns out the super side is much more interesting. Starring every single B-List superhero.

There is no question why this film was made. Apart from the obvious profitability, it gives the PornHub servers a well-deserved break while millions of nerds masturbate for the full 2.5hr duration of the movie. Tissue sales must have doubled in this films first release week given the character cast given in this film. Even characters who obviously couldn’t or wouldn’t sign to this film are name dropped at least once. Ironman *rubrubrub* Spiderman*rubrubrubrub* Antman? *rub* Catguy?? *…* Black Widow *rubrubrubrubrubrub*. All in all, it makes for brilliant masturbatory material.

The issue here is that, believe it or not, this wasn’t made as a porn. It is supposed to be a story complete with narrative twists and turns. Instead we are presented with a full hour of relatively boring exposition setting up the precedent for the film which could easily be summarised in one sentence; a quorum of superheroes is divided when their actions are called into question after a series of terrorist attacks leave behind a trail of collateral damage. Basically Tony Stark and the worlds governments (both known for their heartless nature) grow a heart and feel that maybe thousands of innocent bystanders shouldn’t die as an indirect act of the Avengers, and rather as a direct act of terrorism. It is, in essence, stupid. 

Speaking of stupid, the top secret brainwash book is protected by a four-digit pin, during the introduction the villain is wearing a mask over a second mask, the head of school from Community plays the head of school of MIT, and Bucky is quoted saying “I’m not going to kill anyone” and then proceeds to collapse a man’s chest cavity with a brick. Think I’m done? Ironman’s sidekick Lt. James Rhodes survives a few thousand feet free fall in a suit which I can only imagine weighs a few hundred kilograms, a civil war is usually defined as “a war between citizens of the same country” yet this war contains a vast array of nationalities, the film title highlights Captain America as the subject and does everything to ignore him, and finally, somehow this film warranted an 8.4/10 on IMDB. 

It’s predictable, it’s slow to establish narrative, the narrative it finally develops feels contrived, the characters are mostly B-list and the continuous flash cutting during fight scenes gives me a headache. The worst part? I kind of liked it. It appeals to the inner nerd and the fight scene, while obviously there just to satisfy fans, is satisfying. But satisfactory is all this film gets with a 5/10 PornHub videos.